Do you miss your Ex?

I came across this reel on IG last week where this lady was so emotionally regretting how things went south in her marriage. You could tell that if she had her way, she would do everything to be back to where she used to be. I understand this is maybe an exception to the norm, but it was instructive to come across this exception.

We live in a society where an ‘ex’ carried a negative connotation much of the time, especially to the ex-er (if there is anything like that 😊). Ex’es are regarded as mistakes, shouldn’t haves, vomits that should never be gone back to, and more. Fair enough, some people still have the courage to stay cordial with their ex’es, which takes a lot of courage by the way. But life shouldn’t be that hard you know. I understand the dangers though and the fact that sometimes the decision to distance yourself from an ex and/or paint all the negative pictures about them in your mind (or to your friends) is to help you get over them and get on to other things, which brings me to what has been on my mind.

So back to the reel I saw, this lady owned up to taking her man for granted and not appreciating enough all things he did for her. She mentioned how her husband used to take care of her up to the point that she didn’t even know how to put fuel or gas (whichever one you like to call it) in her car until after the marriage ended, the man literally worshipped her (in her own words) and she took all of that for granted. ‘I miss my ex-husband’ (her words again).

Life can deal us curved balls now and then, beautiful relationships can go sour, but it doesn’t mean that there is no more ‘beauty’ in the person. I don’t know about you, but I have memories of my ex that I still cherish. It doesn’t mean I have not gotten over them or I don’t value my present circumstance. It just means that once upon a time, I was with a beautiful soul and for whatever reason we had to let go of each other, but we took a part of each other along. 

I am not talking about boundaries here, because obviously boundaries are an essential part of every aspect of our lives (including relationships), but that is a separate conversation. My point is that people can ‘miss’ their ex. What they do with that ‘miss’ feeling is an entirely different kettle of fish. 

I am trying so hard not to sound crazy, but maybe that is what I have just succeeded in doing 🤦‍♂️ Please let me know in the comment if you understand what I am trying to say, or just tell me I am crazy. It is what it is mehn! ✌🏽

#myksjournal

Fragile February

 

Yo fam! Happy new year from your’s truly. Mehn, a lot has been going on in my space lately, and unfortunately Myk Ogu blog has just been suffering unjustly, but please keep wishing me well guys! Special thanks to those of you pushing me to keep putting my thoughts out there, thanks for keep up with my blog, much love guys!

Back to the chase, come to think of it guys, what month of the year do you consider the most fragile? (Stop by the comment session and let me know what you think and why) February it is for me! If only the inventors of February 14  (whoever they are) knew what they were getting the world into, they most likely would have had a rethink. All in the name of Valentine, young men have had a really hard time impressing some girl with whom they may never share more than their money with, young ladies have had to put up with guys that are way below their ‘league’, and many have gone into depression, sadly! A day intended to be one of love has become an entire nightmare for many because of dashed hopes and the likes...

I don’t have a lot of experience, but here are a few of my amateur suggestions on how to make the most of this and as many other February 14’s you have ahead.

1. All that glitters is not gold. All of those who seem to be having a beautiful valentine experience may have stories you wouldn’t ever want to be identified with. So envy is a bad idea.
2. Don’t expect anything. Where there are no expectations, there are no disappointments. So whether or not you have a special someone, it would be bad enough to expect a treat from them, and worse expecting to be treated in a particular way. If you get a treat, enjoy it, and if you don’t, love your significant other still...Times are hard fam!
3. Plan a treat for yourself. If you want a treat so badly, then there ain’t nothing wrong with planning something special for yourself. Come to think of it, you deserve something special, so give it to yourself!
4. Be vigilant. The good book says “be sober and vigilant”, but I want to stress the vigilance. Some guys and/or ladies are waiting to devour and February 14 provides a unique opportunity, so beware! 
5. Be happy. I don’t know how you can ‘be happy’ and not get yourself into trouble, but let no one or ‘day’ steal your joy.

I know these might really be amateur tips, but I guess my point is; February is such a fragile month, don’t let yours get broken!

Send me your thoughts in the comment section below.

#myrandomweeklythoughts

THE COST OF LOVE!

I have been thinking about this for a while; I had shared it at a function recently where I was invited to speak on a related subject, and I think I want to share with y’all this thing that has been on my mind; fortunately it is one other thing that getting married has taught me... ‘Love’ in Africa, especially in Nigeria, is very expensive! How do I mean?

In the ‘West’, a man finds a woman he intends to make his wife, upon giving her consent, parental blessings are sort and in a small gathering of family and a few close friends, the marriage Union is contracted and the journey begins. In most cases, the budget of the small gathering/wedding ceremony is borne by family and close friends; from wardrobe to cakes to pictures to logistics, everything. 

On the other hand, in Nigeria; especially where I come from, the story is a little different. Once you have found ‘love’, a number of factors are involved; first as the man, you need to consult with other people (fellow men) who have gone ahead of you to get an idea of what obtains on what they call the ‘marriage list’, and most times too, you discover that just like textbook have various revised editions, ‘the list’ is also constantly updated (and almost always reviewed upwards), so what constitutes one persons ‘list’ can be entirely different from that of another, even when they married ladies from the same town. As if they were not enough, almost every Nigerian lady wants a three-fold wedding - at the village square, at the court and in the church. Interestingly, the cost of the wedding at the village square almost always exceeds the cost of those at the court and in the church combined, except your lady is the type that insists on certain things - asoebi, 8 layered cake, exotic wedding gown - God help you!

Some argue that the rationale for this age long cultural practice is that it places more value on the woman and makes it more difficult for her husband to leave her; of course when you remember how much the love cost you, you will rethink divorce more than twice... While I cannot confirm or refute this argument, I know that separation is on the increase; a whole 14% increase in separations in Nigeria in the year 2018 alone (https://www.thecable.ng/the-rate-of-divorce-in-nigeria) Also, the psychological implications too are overwhelming; may men delay marriage until they have built the financial muscle to undertake such costly enterprise (they end up getting married in their late 30s and early 40s to much younger ladies). Another concern is that once the cost has been incurred, a man sees his wife as a commodity he has bought and thus can dictate to her how to live the rest of her life with him and most times she barely has a say.

My point? Some of our cultural practices in Africa and Nigeria especially, are holding us in a stunted growth position. We can achieve better result by other more civil means if we put our minds to it. Unfortunately, most of the custodians of these traditions/custom are not enlightened and very resistant to change. I have a whole lot more to say, but I’ll reserve that for PART TWO of this thought next week.

Can you disagree with my views? Certainly! Please share your own thoughts in the comment section below 👇🏽

#myrandomweeklythoughts

#dr_mykk

HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU FOUND THE RIGHT PERSON TO MARRY?

First of all, apologies for not coming through with this last week. I decided to keep a few thoughts to myself, and I guess that’s okay right? Thanks for accepting my apologies!

So a friend asked me last week; “How did you realize you had found the right person to marry?” I know this is almost a cliche question, but trust me it is one of the most important cliche questions there are. I tried to answer her not as a professional (because I am not), but as someone who found MY ‘right person’. Notice I said ‘my right person’ not ‘the right person’. I’ll share some of my answer to her with you...

First, and most importantly (I think), how do you define ‘right person’? ‘Right person’ when it comes to marriage is a relative concept, because my right person may be different from yours. You may say that is obvious; two people can’t possibly marry the same person. I agree! But two people can marry two persons with similar values and principles, which to me is what determines who a person is, and whether they are right or wrong for something/anything. So the first question is; what values do you want in a husband/wife (which of these can you compromise and which of these values are non-negotiable)?

Many people say and believe that “there is someone for everyone”. I agree to the extent that everyone who wants someone eventually finds someone to be with, not that God specially created someone for anyone. Because if that was the case, a woman who lost her ‘someone’ in less than two years of marriage will not find another ‘someone’ to love and marry. Definitely it can’t be the same person as the first marriage, but it is definitely ‘someone’ for them too. 

You know, matters of the heart are complex and spiritual too, and need careful thought and prayer. Unfortunately, society is messed up; many kids are marrying kids, many fools are raising fools and some even prefer to marry their pets (I can’t describe the disgust I felt the day I overheard a group of ladies talking about how they felt making love to their dogs). Hmm! They say we should not judge *lips sealed*

I guess my point is; marriage is blissful if you choose YOUR RIGHT PERSON carefully and prayerfully. Don’t also stay careful and praying and menopause (or it’s male counterpart) catches up with you. Marriage is also a HUGE LEAP OF FAITH! God can help you find the balance!

Please leave your thoughts in the comment section!

#myrandomweeklythoughts

IG: @dr_mykk

SEVEN WAYS NOT TO LOVE

So relationship seminars and talks appear the in-thing now... everyone has a solution or two about how to make your relationship right. But as far as am concerned, no one ever has all the explanation on why relationships go sour, or how to make them better.

In Prov. 30:18&19, Solomon; the wisest man in all of human history (and future), acknowledged that he didn’t seem to understand this mystery called love. If you ask me, that’s the way it stays; A MYSTERY! All we can ever do is share from the experiences we have had; whether or ourselves or others...

I have found several devastating ways NOT TO love, particularly, in an relationship with the opposite sex, and I’ll quickly share:

1. Don’t LOOSE YOUR IDENTITY while loving... 

Many young ladies and men do not even recognize themselves anymore, just because they are in a relationship. Your partner decides your friends, hobbies, occasions, e.t.c. That sounds more like bondage than love... Run!

2. Don’t love out of PRIDE...

If you feel you are doing him/her a favor by loving them, you most certainly would not love them genuinely. So what’s the point! Besides, God resists proud people (James 4:6)

3. Don’t love in REVENGE...

Are you in love with him/her as a way of getting back at someone for breaking your heart? Or are you claiming to loving him/her now because you feel it’s time to pay him/her back for all the emotional stress of getting her/him to say Yes? If this is the case with you, then you are mean! Vengeance belongs to God (Rom 12:19)

4. Don’t love DENYING REALITY

He/she is always hitting or raising their voice at you, but your thinking is always “he/she will change”. Or you sincerely think that He/she can’t break your heart because you think they love you too much to do that? My dear, people fight very to keep their spouse in a marriage, what makes you think a anyone is bound to remain in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with you? Wake up! Give it your best, but do that with your head.

5. Don’t love for the WRONG REASONS

He has red lips! She has round eyes! Oh she has very curvy hips! My other friends are in relationships. He/she is so cute! Or even something as incredible as; “Aww, he has sexy baritone voice”. Like seriously!? I hope you can deal with it when the other things you have not noticed he/she has begin to surface.

6. Don’t love BLINDLY...

Love ought to be patient, kind, humble, selfless, tolerant, gentle, and NOT blind! If yours is blind, please see an optician!

7. Don’t love for SEX...

This is one VERY HARD part, but yet from a  VERY SIMPLE instruction. Yes, blood runs through the vein. Yes, ‘body no be firewood’. Yes, you might be so in love. He/she might even threaten to break up, or pick a quarrel or what else is worse? Despite all these, Yes, you can say NO to premarital sex! If you have engaged in it, don’t just stop, walk away from that relationship, because you will do it over and over again! It’s a TALL ORDER, but it’s the right thing to do! Flee sexual immorality... It is a sin like no other (1 Cor 6:18)

1Jn 4:8 - He that loveth not knoweth not God; for GOD IS LOVE. Love in its true sense, is a Noun!

If he/she doesn’t ‘know’ God, he/she cannot love you! You see the ‘know’ is in inverted commas, I hope you know what that means.

Love with all of your heart, but take your head along! 

Cheers!

Love is Earned!

I have been thinking whether or whether not. Its not always so easy to state your position on a few issues that already attract a myriad of conflicting opinions and views. So this is me being frank and objective AMAP.

So I know a lot of you have seen many of very familiar posts on social media that recite all the reasons why a man isn't a real man, or attempt to advice men on why they must treat a woman right at all times and all that. I came across one of those yesterday, and it got me really thinking; not for the first time, but more carefully, especially in the light of some personal experiences in the recent past...

If certain things disqualifies a man from being a 'real man', like inability to take care of his woman, lack of focus, being flirtatious, lazy and all the other reasons that come to mind, shouldn't there also be certain things that disqualify a woman/lady from being a 'real woman' and justifies a man who refuses taking such a lady serious? While I will leave to you the many reasons that can disqualify a lady from being 'real', one is particularly troubling to me, and seems to me can be said of many young ladies now a days. There isn't such a turn off as a lady who has no foresight, focus, industry or even a mere thought of what direction she would love her life to go in 365 days; a lady who just lives satisfactory in here and now.

Don't get me wrong, women are beautiful creatures, who deserve special care and concern, who deserve to be treated as though they were taken out of men, because indeed they were. However, I strongly believe that being a real man or woman, goes way beyond biology. Men and women alike should EARN any kinds of special treatment from their partners. If he/she isn't worth all the trouble, please feel free to take your search elsewhere...

Shout out to all the hard working, industrious, purposeful and goal-oriented men and women out there. We all deserve the very best, and I do hope we get what we deserve.