THE COST OF LOVE!

I have been thinking about this for a while; I had shared it at a function recently where I was invited to speak on a related subject, and I think I want to share with y’all this thing that has been on my mind; fortunately it is one other thing that getting married has taught me... ‘Love’ in Africa, especially in Nigeria, is very expensive! How do I mean?

In the ‘West’, a man finds a woman he intends to make his wife, upon giving her consent, parental blessings are sort and in a small gathering of family and a few close friends, the marriage Union is contracted and the journey begins. In most cases, the budget of the small gathering/wedding ceremony is borne by family and close friends; from wardrobe to cakes to pictures to logistics, everything. 

On the other hand, in Nigeria; especially where I come from, the story is a little different. Once you have found ‘love’, a number of factors are involved; first as the man, you need to consult with other people (fellow men) who have gone ahead of you to get an idea of what obtains on what they call the ‘marriage list’, and most times too, you discover that just like textbook have various revised editions, ‘the list’ is also constantly updated (and almost always reviewed upwards), so what constitutes one persons ‘list’ can be entirely different from that of another, even when they married ladies from the same town. As if they were not enough, almost every Nigerian lady wants a three-fold wedding - at the village square, at the court and in the church. Interestingly, the cost of the wedding at the village square almost always exceeds the cost of those at the court and in the church combined, except your lady is the type that insists on certain things - asoebi, 8 layered cake, exotic wedding gown - God help you!

Some argue that the rationale for this age long cultural practice is that it places more value on the woman and makes it more difficult for her husband to leave her; of course when you remember how much the love cost you, you will rethink divorce more than twice... While I cannot confirm or refute this argument, I know that separation is on the increase; a whole 14% increase in separations in Nigeria in the year 2018 alone (https://www.thecable.ng/the-rate-of-divorce-in-nigeria) Also, the psychological implications too are overwhelming; may men delay marriage until they have built the financial muscle to undertake such costly enterprise (they end up getting married in their late 30s and early 40s to much younger ladies). Another concern is that once the cost has been incurred, a man sees his wife as a commodity he has bought and thus can dictate to her how to live the rest of her life with him and most times she barely has a say.

My point? Some of our cultural practices in Africa and Nigeria especially, are holding us in a stunted growth position. We can achieve better result by other more civil means if we put our minds to it. Unfortunately, most of the custodians of these traditions/custom are not enlightened and very resistant to change. I have a whole lot more to say, but I’ll reserve that for PART TWO of this thought next week.

Can you disagree with my views? Certainly! Please share your own thoughts in the comment section below 👇🏽

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