Do you miss your Ex?

I came across this reel on IG last week where this lady was so emotionally regretting how things went south in her marriage. You could tell that if she had her way, she would do everything to be back to where she used to be. I understand this is maybe an exception to the norm, but it was instructive to come across this exception.

We live in a society where an ‘ex’ carried a negative connotation much of the time, especially to the ex-er (if there is anything like that 😊). Ex’es are regarded as mistakes, shouldn’t haves, vomits that should never be gone back to, and more. Fair enough, some people still have the courage to stay cordial with their ex’es, which takes a lot of courage by the way. But life shouldn’t be that hard you know. I understand the dangers though and the fact that sometimes the decision to distance yourself from an ex and/or paint all the negative pictures about them in your mind (or to your friends) is to help you get over them and get on to other things, which brings me to what has been on my mind.

So back to the reel I saw, this lady owned up to taking her man for granted and not appreciating enough all things he did for her. She mentioned how her husband used to take care of her up to the point that she didn’t even know how to put fuel or gas (whichever one you like to call it) in her car until after the marriage ended, the man literally worshipped her (in her own words) and she took all of that for granted. ‘I miss my ex-husband’ (her words again).

Life can deal us curved balls now and then, beautiful relationships can go sour, but it doesn’t mean that there is no more ‘beauty’ in the person. I don’t know about you, but I have memories of my ex that I still cherish. It doesn’t mean I have not gotten over them or I don’t value my present circumstance. It just means that once upon a time, I was with a beautiful soul and for whatever reason we had to let go of each other, but we took a part of each other along. 

I am not talking about boundaries here, because obviously boundaries are an essential part of every aspect of our lives (including relationships), but that is a separate conversation. My point is that people can ‘miss’ their ex. What they do with that ‘miss’ feeling is an entirely different kettle of fish. 

I am trying so hard not to sound crazy, but maybe that is what I have just succeeded in doing 🤦‍♂️ Please let me know in the comment if you understand what I am trying to say, or just tell me I am crazy. It is what it is mehn! ✌🏽

#myksjournal

Divorce Culture: My 2Cent!

Divorce is becoming a way of life in Nigeria, and if you think this is only common among celebrities, then think again, because if you look around you, you may well have that one relative or close friend or acquaintance who is either separated or who is currently undergoing a divorce. 

Ireti Doyle was the most recent shocker. I literally screamed in the kitchen when I read this yesterday morning, my wife thought I had chopped off my finger with the kitchen knife. In the last one year alone I have lost count. The social media has not made it any easier as people’s life’s and relationships have been brought before the ‘judgement seat’ of social media. I am literally waiting to hear Basket Mouth share a joke about his divorce the same way he had several jokes about his wife. 🙈

Jokes apart though, to be fair, relationships, let alone marriage, is one of the most difficult jobs on earth, no capping! I listened to one preacher say, if your marriage is like being a frying pan, then get fried 😊 I’ll let you make whatever you can out of this unconventional statement. But here is my 2 cent sha… 

1. There is no such thing as ‘the right person’ in marriage. Don’t be deceived by all the many relationship bloggers on IG, marriage is hard work guys, doesn’t matter if your spouse is an angel, the mere fact that you are human means that your selfishness will manifest sometimes and that ‘angel’ will piss you off badly and maybe regularly. I don’t know how else to say it sha, but there is so much more to it than the ass grabs, the stolen kisses, the public paparazzi, the awwwn-ish skits (whatever that means), the sex and fill in the blanks. If you are not ready for the job, stay clear! 🙏🏽
2. The boobs, nice ass, 6 packs, and figure 8 are all beautiful stuff, but when the chips are down, you will be willing to walk away from all of them. Pay attention to the things that matter the most; faith, and values.
3. Love is so much more than just a feeling. Beyond all the butterflies in the belly and incredible emotions, love is a very strong commitment.
4. Forgiveness is key! Always be ready to give your partner a million chances over. You don’t have to put or keep yourself in harms way, but don’t ever shut the door to forgiveness. 
5. Social media is a trap, don’t get carried away guys. Keep private business private, because at the end of the day, nobody send you for ‘these streets’ 🤷🏽‍♂️

Imagine that, with all the blunders you have made so far in your short life, you wake up one morning and God says He can’t put up with you anymore, and He is leaving. Unthinkable right? That’s how marriage ought to be; “as Christ loves the church” (Eph. 5:25). Forgive me, but talking about marriage without the Bible is like trying to fix a product without the manufacturer’s manual. 

Am not saying you should stay in a toxic environment/relationship, but be careful  not to get into one in the first place, and even if you did, quitting may not be an option. But I mean, what do I know? 

Did a post about finding the right person to marry a while back though, you can read it here

Please what’s your 2 cents on this matter abeg? Feel free to disagree with me in the comments section! 👍 

#myrandomweeklythoughts

HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU FOUND THE RIGHT PERSON TO MARRY?

First of all, apologies for not coming through with this last week. I decided to keep a few thoughts to myself, and I guess that’s okay right? Thanks for accepting my apologies!

So a friend asked me last week; “How did you realize you had found the right person to marry?” I know this is almost a cliche question, but trust me it is one of the most important cliche questions there are. I tried to answer her not as a professional (because I am not), but as someone who found MY ‘right person’. Notice I said ‘my right person’ not ‘the right person’. I’ll share some of my answer to her with you...

First, and most importantly (I think), how do you define ‘right person’? ‘Right person’ when it comes to marriage is a relative concept, because my right person may be different from yours. You may say that is obvious; two people can’t possibly marry the same person. I agree! But two people can marry two persons with similar values and principles, which to me is what determines who a person is, and whether they are right or wrong for something/anything. So the first question is; what values do you want in a husband/wife (which of these can you compromise and which of these values are non-negotiable)?

Many people say and believe that “there is someone for everyone”. I agree to the extent that everyone who wants someone eventually finds someone to be with, not that God specially created someone for anyone. Because if that was the case, a woman who lost her ‘someone’ in less than two years of marriage will not find another ‘someone’ to love and marry. Definitely it can’t be the same person as the first marriage, but it is definitely ‘someone’ for them too. 

You know, matters of the heart are complex and spiritual too, and need careful thought and prayer. Unfortunately, society is messed up; many kids are marrying kids, many fools are raising fools and some even prefer to marry their pets (I can’t describe the disgust I felt the day I overheard a group of ladies talking about how they felt making love to their dogs). Hmm! They say we should not judge *lips sealed*

I guess my point is; marriage is blissful if you choose YOUR RIGHT PERSON carefully and prayerfully. Don’t also stay careful and praying and menopause (or it’s male counterpart) catches up with you. Marriage is also a HUGE LEAP OF FAITH! God can help you find the balance!

Please leave your thoughts in the comment section!

#myrandomweeklythoughts

IG: @dr_mykk

SEVEN WAYS NOT TO LOVE

So relationship seminars and talks appear the in-thing now... everyone has a solution or two about how to make your relationship right. But as far as am concerned, no one ever has all the explanation on why relationships go sour, or how to make them better.

In Prov. 30:18&19, Solomon; the wisest man in all of human history (and future), acknowledged that he didn’t seem to understand this mystery called love. If you ask me, that’s the way it stays; A MYSTERY! All we can ever do is share from the experiences we have had; whether or ourselves or others...

I have found several devastating ways NOT TO love, particularly, in an relationship with the opposite sex, and I’ll quickly share:

1. Don’t LOOSE YOUR IDENTITY while loving... 

Many young ladies and men do not even recognize themselves anymore, just because they are in a relationship. Your partner decides your friends, hobbies, occasions, e.t.c. That sounds more like bondage than love... Run!

2. Don’t love out of PRIDE...

If you feel you are doing him/her a favor by loving them, you most certainly would not love them genuinely. So what’s the point! Besides, God resists proud people (James 4:6)

3. Don’t love in REVENGE...

Are you in love with him/her as a way of getting back at someone for breaking your heart? Or are you claiming to loving him/her now because you feel it’s time to pay him/her back for all the emotional stress of getting her/him to say Yes? If this is the case with you, then you are mean! Vengeance belongs to God (Rom 12:19)

4. Don’t love DENYING REALITY

He/she is always hitting or raising their voice at you, but your thinking is always “he/she will change”. Or you sincerely think that He/she can’t break your heart because you think they love you too much to do that? My dear, people fight very to keep their spouse in a marriage, what makes you think a anyone is bound to remain in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with you? Wake up! Give it your best, but do that with your head.

5. Don’t love for the WRONG REASONS

He has red lips! She has round eyes! Oh she has very curvy hips! My other friends are in relationships. He/she is so cute! Or even something as incredible as; “Aww, he has sexy baritone voice”. Like seriously!? I hope you can deal with it when the other things you have not noticed he/she has begin to surface.

6. Don’t love BLINDLY...

Love ought to be patient, kind, humble, selfless, tolerant, gentle, and NOT blind! If yours is blind, please see an optician!

7. Don’t love for SEX...

This is one VERY HARD part, but yet from a  VERY SIMPLE instruction. Yes, blood runs through the vein. Yes, ‘body no be firewood’. Yes, you might be so in love. He/she might even threaten to break up, or pick a quarrel or what else is worse? Despite all these, Yes, you can say NO to premarital sex! If you have engaged in it, don’t just stop, walk away from that relationship, because you will do it over and over again! It’s a TALL ORDER, but it’s the right thing to do! Flee sexual immorality... It is a sin like no other (1 Cor 6:18)

1Jn 4:8 - He that loveth not knoweth not God; for GOD IS LOVE. Love in its true sense, is a Noun!

If he/she doesn’t ‘know’ God, he/she cannot love you! You see the ‘know’ is in inverted commas, I hope you know what that means.

Love with all of your heart, but take your head along! 

Cheers!